How to learn a language

The Guardian
Guy Browning
Saturday December 3, 2005

Learning a language is a wonderful thing. Once you've
spent years mastering it completely, you can then talk
the same rubbish as you do in your own language. You
also realise that to get by in life you need only five
key phrases: "Hello", "Please", "Excuse me", "Thank
you" and "I've lost my passport".
The first stage of learning is realising that you
already know words such as sushi and sayonara. It then
dawns on you that there are other words, often verbs,
connecting the two words that you already know. That's
when you sign up to evening classes. On average it
takes about 3,000 evenings before you'll be able to
order a Coke. You can then progress to the
intermediate class.
Some languages are more difficult to learn than
others. The hardest ones are tonal languages. In
English, we have two tones: normal and sarcastic. In
Chinese, they have 19 tones, three of which are
sarcastic, so it's a great language to learn if you
want to be sarcastic with a billion other people.
Once you start learning a language, you really
appreciate English, especially the fact that you don't
have to remember whether the word for plank is
masculine or feminine. Similarly, our verbs stay the
same: I am pissed, I was pissed, I will be pissed. In
a foreign language, you would need to include Pisa,
Pizzeria, and Pizzicato. No wonder the British find it
easier to get drunk.
Finding a native speaker who will talk to you is a big
help. A native speaker means somebody who speaks the
language very, very fast and who hasn't yet learned to
speak the language as clearly as you have. Make sure
this person likes you, otherwise they will speed up
rather than slow down.
When you try to speak a new language, you feel as
though your brain is in a mild coma, your tongue has
swollen to twice its normal size and your memory has
been wiped clean. But remember, the natives will
always appreciate you making an effort to speak their
language - and giving them hours of amusement.
Of course, there is no better way to learn a language
than total immersion in the country and culture. You
therefore need to travel to the country, find the
local expat community and attend evening classes with
them.

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